I'm so excited... I'm so... scared!

We had our half-point review on Friday from our Residents in Internal Medicine. My comments?
"You just don't seem that excited. We can't tell that you're interested... and you need to Honor this course if you want to get into Orthopaedics."
I'm sorry, I thought I was in medical school, not a cheerleading competition. I don't have an "excited" personality. But I do know all of the information about my patients since the beginning of their stay, and relevant info from before. I check for drug interactions when no one else has (including my intern, who then told me it was overkill and that I shouldn't bother... AFTER I figured out that a lady with chronically low potassium, even to critical levels, was on three different drugs that make you pee it out in large amounts). I don't tend to speak in exclamation points at work, but I'm doing my job and I'm doing it well. For about 80 hours a week. Then I go home and study.
Not to mention that I have good evidence that my attending isn't giving me her full attention during rounds (She told a patient that she should make her husband take care of HER for a change... when I'd told her an hour before that the patient's husband has Alzheimer's dementia).
Also, in internal medicine you spend 5% of your time talking to patients, 15% talking to your superiors and trying to figure out what the hell is going on because documentation can be a problem, and 80% of the time filling out TPS reports. Then you get chastised for not putting one of the new cover sheets on the TPS report. Plus you have to work on Sundays (get excited! Parkland is your new Jesus!). And every fifth day you get to stay at work overnight filling out lots and lots of TPS reports. And your workplace smells like poop and dirty sick people and pus and burnt popcorn. And when you do get excited and try to go the extra mile, someone tells you not to.

I want a job where I'm excited to get more patients, not dreading them. I also want a job that doesn't steal God's day or crush my soul. And I want a job that doesn't make me feel like I need to re-start my anti-depressants.

But I did try and start to seem more excited. I wrote an email to my attending physician and used several exclamation points.

Then I called my sister and she felt sorry for me and told me to go get a pedicure as a treat from her (Nail Boutik on Lovers has LA-Z-Boy chairs instead of those silly salon chairs. Plus they give you like a ten minute foot and lower leg massage. it's awesome!)

Then I went to Sprouts (a grocery store with really cheap produce and bulk stuff) and bought 4 lbs of strawberries for $5. Strawberries are my favorite fruit except maybe for cherries, so that was the high point of my weekend. And I didn't study a lick today and I hardly even feel guilty about it. Medicine will NOT wreck my soul. Just my dreams.

PS the picture at the top is what came up when I googled "excited scared". It makes me feel that way too.